i think everyone has someone or more than one person that guides or helps them grow up whether they realize it or not.
i had no one i idolized or tried to be like specifically because i was always aware how corny and gay that was.
when i was like 16 i decided to go to jersey devil to try getting my septum pierced. thats when i met warren and danny. id seen them around before but never really talked to them. basically me and my friends would go there on weekends and just hang out. i became real close with danny and warren more than everyone else. 5 years later and warren is basically my older brother. he has a bad rep with some people because of how he flirts with girls too much but i dont even need to get started with that. he knows im not like him with girls he always says he can tell im tryin to find somoene to be with forever and he was never like that. but he understands how i am with my mom and my family because somehow everything thats happened to me he had to deal with in his past. and danny and i just agree about everything and see the industry we're in for what it is. i dont know how id be through these past 5 years without those two. its crazy. i dont think they know it either.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
lives
my life is not the best. i always consider writing bad or shitty, but thats all relative really. hard. there it is. thats relative though also...my life doesnt have things that come easy. i guess thats good. i could probably try to describe what im getting at all day and not succeed. so anyway.
every time i get ahead on something a different thing fails to put me back at that neutral point. i was starting to get ahead on bills so i actually held tight waiting to see what would go wrong. i got sick. i have no health insurance. cost a lot of money. i found out i do have an overactive thyroid..and mono. im not supposed to do anything for 3 weeks. not possible. i dont have sick days. i missed 4 days at work so im gona be poor next paycheck.
but then all my life ive had hints of something or someone there. something higher. i do not believe in god. i do not believe he isnt real either. it is a possibility as much as it is not a possibility. i dont believe in anything as far as religions go really. but i feel like something is trying to change that. certain things have happened in my life that are amazing. little things. i was in a boyscout meeting and got a phillies pencil that i was in love with. then i ended up leaving it in the building after the door was locked. i started crying because i couldnt go back to get it. i wanted it more than anything for some reason. i got into the car ... and it was on the seat. i had never been more clueless or greatful ill never forget that.
any time i really wished a teacher wasnt going to be in school on a certain day. like uncontrolably wished they wouldnt be there there would be a sub. weird things like that. all my life. when i was younger i was playing being an only child i had myself for entertainment. i ran to the end of the hall..looked over saw myself in the bathroom mirror. pretended it was someone else and punched at the mirror from the other end of the hall. 15 feet at the shortest. the lightbulb exploded. i went up to it and it wasnt cracked. just all black and smoked out on the inside. i guess that could have been a coincidence but it was such perfect timing.
i guess anyone could take or leave anything that happens in their life. but little things make me wonder.
i went to a shitty computer school..just to get my family to leave me alone. i dont like my family. i can honestly say that..but thats a whole other subject for another day
skip all the bullshit my loans came to 20,000 dollars. for being poor i got 7 in grants.
that brought the total owed to 13,000. which is what my original documentation said.
got my sallie mae account set up months later.
totaled owed: 11,000
two thousand dollars gone..out of nowhere..no reasoning anywhere.
a year later i started paying a little ahead of time. 50 a month for 2 months.
first payment due january. payment due each month: 220
220-100= 120
payed 120.
this months balance came in
total due: 7800
monthly payment 89
no hint of where 3000 dollars went
gone..not owed anymore.
just when i started coming in to less money.
somehow my life is stuck in a balance. bad things when good things happen good things when bad things happen. its amazing
for the months of novemeber-january all of my paychecks had around 100 dollars extra..no explanation.
i live down the street from a crazy people home. sometimes they walk up and down the pike and you can tell theyre not all there mentally. the other day i saw one and could tell he was oblivious to everything around him. for the first time in my life i thought deeper about this man. i wondered what he was like before he started "losing his mind" i wondered if he could remember his past. if not it was all for nothing. no matter what he did how great or horrible it doesnt matter now. but its surreal when you think about it. you are another person looking back on someone else when you look into your past. you really have no clue what you will remember when youre older anyway.
mindsets are so weird.
live life to the fullest is almost always thought of as do a lot of drugs get drunk fuck everyone die young.
i try to live my life to the fullest..but to me full is being aware. i do not want to drink or do drugs because i dont want to lose thought and view of everything that is going on.
i am going to tattoo most of my whole body because i want to. and ill probably end up walking down the road crazy and alone anyway..at least ill look cool doing it.
without 4chan id probably be dead.
every time i get ahead on something a different thing fails to put me back at that neutral point. i was starting to get ahead on bills so i actually held tight waiting to see what would go wrong. i got sick. i have no health insurance. cost a lot of money. i found out i do have an overactive thyroid..and mono. im not supposed to do anything for 3 weeks. not possible. i dont have sick days. i missed 4 days at work so im gona be poor next paycheck.
but then all my life ive had hints of something or someone there. something higher. i do not believe in god. i do not believe he isnt real either. it is a possibility as much as it is not a possibility. i dont believe in anything as far as religions go really. but i feel like something is trying to change that. certain things have happened in my life that are amazing. little things. i was in a boyscout meeting and got a phillies pencil that i was in love with. then i ended up leaving it in the building after the door was locked. i started crying because i couldnt go back to get it. i wanted it more than anything for some reason. i got into the car ... and it was on the seat. i had never been more clueless or greatful ill never forget that.
any time i really wished a teacher wasnt going to be in school on a certain day. like uncontrolably wished they wouldnt be there there would be a sub. weird things like that. all my life. when i was younger i was playing being an only child i had myself for entertainment. i ran to the end of the hall..looked over saw myself in the bathroom mirror. pretended it was someone else and punched at the mirror from the other end of the hall. 15 feet at the shortest. the lightbulb exploded. i went up to it and it wasnt cracked. just all black and smoked out on the inside. i guess that could have been a coincidence but it was such perfect timing.
i guess anyone could take or leave anything that happens in their life. but little things make me wonder.
i went to a shitty computer school..just to get my family to leave me alone. i dont like my family. i can honestly say that..but thats a whole other subject for another day
skip all the bullshit my loans came to 20,000 dollars. for being poor i got 7 in grants.
that brought the total owed to 13,000. which is what my original documentation said.
got my sallie mae account set up months later.
totaled owed: 11,000
two thousand dollars gone..out of nowhere..no reasoning anywhere.
a year later i started paying a little ahead of time. 50 a month for 2 months.
first payment due january. payment due each month: 220
220-100= 120
payed 120.
this months balance came in
total due: 7800
monthly payment 89
no hint of where 3000 dollars went
gone..not owed anymore.
just when i started coming in to less money.
somehow my life is stuck in a balance. bad things when good things happen good things when bad things happen. its amazing
for the months of novemeber-january all of my paychecks had around 100 dollars extra..no explanation.
i live down the street from a crazy people home. sometimes they walk up and down the pike and you can tell theyre not all there mentally. the other day i saw one and could tell he was oblivious to everything around him. for the first time in my life i thought deeper about this man. i wondered what he was like before he started "losing his mind" i wondered if he could remember his past. if not it was all for nothing. no matter what he did how great or horrible it doesnt matter now. but its surreal when you think about it. you are another person looking back on someone else when you look into your past. you really have no clue what you will remember when youre older anyway.
mindsets are so weird.
live life to the fullest is almost always thought of as do a lot of drugs get drunk fuck everyone die young.
i try to live my life to the fullest..but to me full is being aware. i do not want to drink or do drugs because i dont want to lose thought and view of everything that is going on.
i am going to tattoo most of my whole body because i want to. and ill probably end up walking down the road crazy and alone anyway..at least ill look cool doing it.
without 4chan id probably be dead.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
sick
i am very sick right now
like more sick then ever before
almost every muscle in my body aches chronically and if it doesnt ache then a bone near it feels like its breaking. i have slept 13 hours for the past 3 nights. its more than likely an overactive thyroid. hopefully the tests tomorrow help me find out. one thing i know it isnt is hepatitis or aids because i got tested a week or so ago. so thats a positive. i have no health insurance. everything is hard right now. im just trying to make something good happen.
like more sick then ever before
almost every muscle in my body aches chronically and if it doesnt ache then a bone near it feels like its breaking. i have slept 13 hours for the past 3 nights. its more than likely an overactive thyroid. hopefully the tests tomorrow help me find out. one thing i know it isnt is hepatitis or aids because i got tested a week or so ago. so thats a positive. i have no health insurance. everything is hard right now. im just trying to make something good happen.
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