all im hoping is that keeping good company wears off on me..already eliminated the bad
im friends with people that drive around in 745s and z06s im putting in my time hopefully its my turn soon

so im offically a real fuckin boss, and you fuckin know it you basically tried to suck my dick you fuckin faggot, then you go and try to start more shit. i almost got the two biggest roid raging guidos i know, who are completely massive by the way to come fucking murder you. youre lucky you failed miserably. this is one thing that will not get ruined for me

hm

so i guess it all pulled through. first week at the new shop i made triple what i made at gamestop in a week. got a brand new car. things are working out for once. im gona be positive for a while

oh irony

i just re read some of my entries and one was about never competing over a girl
and the last girl i was into was all about that and it was with a close friend of mine
so weird that i wrote about it for no reason and then it happened
either way i lose again as always

good news is i got my neck done

and i forgot to mention

another failed attempt at finding a girl i like that likes me back
i could make an epic dialogue about the whole thing but for once i dont feel like it. basically im hurt and dead out with nothing like always. fuck.

lets recap what i did this friday and saturday

...

yep

never good enough

my next tattoo should be never good enough across my forehead..because im not ever.
aparently im not old enough and dont have enough tattoos to be considered for anything other than a "platonic relationship" woe is me superficial world. there was some other bullshit reason that some other girl didnt like me and i was told that i shouldnt be interested in someone that is attracted to such superficial things. trouble is i'm well aware of that... but i still like this girl anyway. the only glimmer of hope is that the last girl i was told the same deal about i cant remember..so hopefully ill be forgetting this one in the near future. ugh

and its getting depressing that my only present friend is a 30 year old roid raging monster but he really looks out for me
ive been going to the gym every day now and im getting way stronger and bigger so thats sick
im probably gona get my throat done next time lenny guests at our shop which should be in two months because well im over it ..annnd itll be free

all i have to keep my mind off of being a failure / apparently hopeless romantic male is to think about being a huge tattooed covered monster that even less people will be attracted to

i am so fucking tired right now its unbelievable

girl

hung out with this girl that moved to south philly recently from LA. shes real sweet and pretty. i duno how anythings gona end up. probably just end up becoming good friends its all good. hanging out again on wednesday siick

today i got 0 texts

pride

i never understood loving your family just because they gave you life.. even if they are terrible people
you should love or have pride in the things in your life you enjoy or care about
other than that..fuck it

fuck

im not happy at all lately.. and the only person that can tell is the coke dealing convicted felon..ridiculous

one thing i will NEVER do is compete over a girl. and a lot of girls seem to love seein a dude downtalk his friend to look cooler in front of her..and when it happens girls can obviously tell. pathetic.

i dont even have anything else to say really

derek

derek (1:13:25 AM): yo
diiiiiiiee (1:13:33 AM): yo
derek (1:13:35 AM): todays fuckin feb?
derek (1:13:38 AM): like were in feb?
diiiiiiiee (1:14:18 AM): yea
diiiiiiiee (1:14:22 AM): 26th
derek (1:15:03 AM): like
derek (1:15:08 AM): next month is fuckin march?
diiiiiiiee (1:15:10 AM): yea
derek (1:15:14 AM): omfg
derek (1:15:15 AM): wow
derek (1:15:16 AM): rly/
derek (1:15:22 AM): like march then april?
diiiiiiiee (1:15:35 AM): yea

dedication

this is a make or break year for me
there is as i see it no chance of coming out even into 2010 like i have every year of my life since ive been working and paying for most of my own way through everything which has been longer than it should have been. im either going to be way on top at the end of this year or down in the drain so far its not even funny
im ready for a challenge so i hope this is a make year for me because im set to make it

upper class

ill never be as good as them. i dont know. i dont know where im trying to go with this. even true happiness wont make me as good as them. even if i end up running empire by myself which is whats going to end up happening. thats what 50k a year max. under the table. not taxed. thats not a good thing. my thoughts are so jumbled right now. like how can everything be going exactly how it should be and still not be good.
ill spit in someones face for saying theyre better than me..but theyre still better than me if they arent they werent before they said it.
fuck movies about anti corporation they run you they own you thats that. fuck being against the man. who are you anyway. no one. one person cant make a difference that is relevant to the grand scheme of anything without other people helping them. ill be an individual and you know what it wont do anything for me. but im going to do it anyway but ive accepted the truth.
the downfall of this shitty fucking society is not wanting people to be in charge of something just because they dont have the paper qualifications. fuck your papers. fuck you seriously. the modern education system makes no sense. it truely doesnt. apparently you learn things irrelevant to anything youll ever do outside of school to expand your mind. so why does this still go on at a collegiate level? you should stop expanding your mind and refine it to what you are going to do. refine it and become a master of one thing. bottom line is this happens the last two years of your schooling, or in a technical school. however the computer engineering major who took fucking english will get hired before the person who graduated from a tech school, or theyll both get hired and the college idiot gets paid more. give me a logical reason behind that please? one logical reason, they do the job better. but whos to say that on the day of hire. like a fucking spartan. learn to fight live to fight, become a master fighter. thats what youre meant for spartan. so why has society digressed? why are all great geniuses school drop outs or self educated? yes it is in part because education system of their time was not developed. however whos to say its development is an improvement? oh the same person who hires you based on that education. the one who provided the funding money for the inital loans for your schools.

process this one. i dont hire a person who goes to college, i hire a kid who is the best at doing the job and didnt go to college., i do this for my whole company. other companies are hiring who is best suited for the job based on how well they do certain tasks, not the paper they have that says they complete a course. or a better college. people who are self taught. the next generation of people decide not to go to college and learn on their own. no loans are being taken out to go to school. loan companies fail. they have no bank accounts anymore. the banks collapse. your fdic insured money is paid to you in cash as the banks close. full economic crisis. not great, full. but clearly student loans arent the only large funding of banks, insurance is too, for some reason youre required to insure yourself, whos to tell me i have to pay 200 dollars a month for auto insurance, whos to say i dont have enough cash to pay for my hospital bill and the 2 people in the other car i crashed into and the money to fix the car? basically just think of this. the governement makes you pay insurance, to non government funded companies, why? so they can keep money in bank accounts to build interest and get taxed. anyone who says the government is corrupt is ignorant to the fact that we are not a true democracy because if we were there would be no corruption, but without the corruption there would be mass failure and collapse. there is no flawless government and history shows that society always collapses. roman empire egyptian empire etc all collapse. its a curse to be able to connect every single thing or person to something corrupt in a second or less.and a curse to realize that "corruption" is actually necessary for a society to function. this is on a group level , but a group can not be corrupt without corrupt individuals right? so maybe one person can make a difference

fake

so one of who i thought was my best friends ...and i dont use that term often at all...owes me 90 dollars for a phone i sold him from on my fuckin birthday cause im that good of a friend and he needed one. he also has my bike wheels that he promised to fix..and said he did..then admitted to lying and not fixing. im too furious to explain the lies lately. hes been avoiding me. wont answer the phone. read my myspace messages where i called him out with no reply. hes a coward. well guess what i fuckin found out today...motherfuckers been selling coke. i dont associate with people like that. im embarrassed to have ever. especially when i know hes for lack of a better term a whore..and everyone knows it and i never wanted people to think i may be like that.because im the opposite. and on that whore note. i also found out he just gave a girl gonorhea. which i dont feel like looking up the spelling to. im only writing this because he could get me into some trouble i just hope not. just needs to stay away from me and everyone i know. seeing that hes already avoiding me i dont think thatll be a problem. kid has no real friends. so much more to vent i dont even feel like it im gona go elsewhere and punch the fuckin air or some shit.

OC here

:-D

heroes

i think everyone has someone or more than one person that guides or helps them grow up whether they realize it or not.
i had no one i idolized or tried to be like specifically because i was always aware how corny and gay that was.
when i was like 16 i decided to go to jersey devil to try getting my septum pierced. thats when i met warren and danny. id seen them around before but never really talked to them. basically me and my friends would go there on weekends and just hang out. i became real close with danny and warren more than everyone else. 5 years later and warren is basically my older brother. he has a bad rep with some people because of how he flirts with girls too much but i dont even need to get started with that. he knows im not like him with girls he always says he can tell im tryin to find somoene to be with forever and he was never like that. but he understands how i am with my mom and my family because somehow everything thats happened to me he had to deal with in his past. and danny and i just agree about everything and see the industry we're in for what it is. i dont know how id be through these past 5 years without those two. its crazy. i dont think they know it either.

lives

my life is not the best. i always consider writing bad or shitty, but thats all relative really. hard. there it is. thats relative though also...my life doesnt have things that come easy. i guess thats good. i could probably try to describe what im getting at all day and not succeed. so anyway.
every time i get ahead on something a different thing fails to put me back at that neutral point. i was starting to get ahead on bills so i actually held tight waiting to see what would go wrong. i got sick. i have no health insurance. cost a lot of money. i found out i do have an overactive thyroid..and mono. im not supposed to do anything for 3 weeks. not possible. i dont have sick days. i missed 4 days at work so im gona be poor next paycheck.

but then all my life ive had hints of something or someone there. something higher. i do not believe in god. i do not believe he isnt real either. it is a possibility as much as it is not a possibility. i dont believe in anything as far as religions go really. but i feel like something is trying to change that. certain things have happened in my life that are amazing. little things. i was in a boyscout meeting and got a phillies pencil that i was in love with. then i ended up leaving it in the building after the door was locked. i started crying because i couldnt go back to get it. i wanted it more than anything for some reason. i got into the car ... and it was on the seat. i had never been more clueless or greatful ill never forget that.
any time i really wished a teacher wasnt going to be in school on a certain day. like uncontrolably wished they wouldnt be there there would be a sub. weird things like that. all my life. when i was younger i was playing being an only child i had myself for entertainment. i ran to the end of the hall..looked over saw myself in the bathroom mirror. pretended it was someone else and punched at the mirror from the other end of the hall. 15 feet at the shortest. the lightbulb exploded. i went up to it and it wasnt cracked. just all black and smoked out on the inside. i guess that could have been a coincidence but it was such perfect timing.
i guess anyone could take or leave anything that happens in their life. but little things make me wonder.
i went to a shitty computer school..just to get my family to leave me alone. i dont like my family. i can honestly say that..but thats a whole other subject for another day
skip all the bullshit my loans came to 20,000 dollars. for being poor i got 7 in grants.
that brought the total owed to 13,000. which is what my original documentation said.
got my sallie mae account set up months later.
totaled owed: 11,000
two thousand dollars gone..out of nowhere..no reasoning anywhere.
a year later i started paying a little ahead of time. 50 a month for 2 months.
first payment due january. payment due each month: 220
220-100= 120
payed 120.
this months balance came in
total due: 7800
monthly payment 89
no hint of where 3000 dollars went
gone..not owed anymore.
just when i started coming in to less money.
somehow my life is stuck in a balance. bad things when good things happen good things when bad things happen. its amazing
for the months of novemeber-january all of my paychecks had around 100 dollars extra..no explanation.



i live down the street from a crazy people home. sometimes they walk up and down the pike and you can tell theyre not all there mentally. the other day i saw one and could tell he was oblivious to everything around him. for the first time in my life i thought deeper about this man. i wondered what he was like before he started "losing his mind" i wondered if he could remember his past. if not it was all for nothing. no matter what he did how great or horrible it doesnt matter now. but its surreal when you think about it. you are another person looking back on someone else when you look into your past. you really have no clue what you will remember when youre older anyway.

mindsets are so weird.
live life to the fullest is almost always thought of as do a lot of drugs get drunk fuck everyone die young.

i try to live my life to the fullest..but to me full is being aware. i do not want to drink or do drugs because i dont want to lose thought and view of everything that is going on.
i am going to tattoo most of my whole body because i want to. and ill probably end up walking down the road crazy and alone anyway..at least ill look cool doing it.




without 4chan id probably be dead.

sick

i am very sick right now
like more sick then ever before
almost every muscle in my body aches chronically and if it doesnt ache then a bone near it feels like its breaking. i have slept 13 hours for the past 3 nights. its more than likely an overactive thyroid. hopefully the tests tomorrow help me find out. one thing i know it isnt is hepatitis or aids because i got tested a week or so ago. so thats a positive. i have no health insurance. everything is hard right now. im just trying to make something good happen.